Dave Brubeck’s Unintentionally Brilliant ‘Take 6’

Out and about last week with my friend and fellow coach extraordinaire, Rebecca (check her out, she’s a marketing genius!) I had the pleasure of meeting the grandson of one of my favorite musicians, jazz virtuoso Dave Brubeck. As the conversation naturally shifted to music I mentioned that he was responsible for writing ‘Take 5,’ which in my opinion is one of only three absolutely perfect songs in existence. Yup, I said perfect and I stand by that statement. If you haven’t listened to it, please stop reading and do (here). I’ll be more offended if you don’t. I’m positive that if you even remotely like jazz, this song is going to rock your world.

To my surprise and not going to lie a little disappointment, I found out that ‘Grandpa Dave’ actually hadn’t composed this spectacular piece of music. The man responsible for so many of my life’s blissful moments had actually been a fellow by the name of Paul Desmond, who in his own right was a fantastic musician and composer who worked with Dave and others until he died in 77’.

Thankfully, my disappointment was short lived because I remembered and was able to share something I knew for a fact my hero of so many years had actually been responsible for that also touched my life in a very meaningful, ‘Take 5’ kind of way. I found this nugget of insight in a book appropriately titled, 'Wisdom' which was put together by photographer and filmmaker Andrew Zuckerman. In it are the thoughts and ideas of more than fifty of the world's most prominent luminaries: politicians, business and religious leaders, musicians, actors, and artists.

While many of the entries in the book are spectacular, Dave’s entry in particular blew my mind à la ‘Take 5’ mirroring the song's strikingly complex simplicity and had the added bonus of profound meaning.  He states,

‘You have to be taught to hate.’

Something about that statement created in me an internal dialogue that moved me to the core. I’d never really given much thought to the concept of hate before and decided to put my thoughts down on paper like I usually do when something 'gets to me' at that level. When I did, I realized that in this particular occasion, my ideas could best be summarized in just six points. Those six points inspired the name of this post and will forever live in my mind as another, albeit unintentional, Dave Brubeck masterpiece (‘In Your Own Sweet Way’ anyone?). Hopefully, they will also provide you with some food for thought as you go on with your day:

(1) We are born fearless. It is only through trying to mold ourselves to fit what we feel society deems acceptable/desirable that we develop irrational insecurities.

(2) Insecurity is just a manifestation of fear.

(3) This fear in turn leads to preconceived notions of 'good' and 'bad' and prejudice against anything unfamiliar or 'undesirable' by society's standards.

(4) Prejudice, like anything else, when adequately nourished, grows and in this case turns into hate.

(5) Hate, however, is only powerful because it comes from a lack of love and if you fill that void and it becomes incredibly difficult to hate anything or anyone.

(6) Love yourself first and you'll learn to love everyone for who they are and not what you think they 'should be' to deserve it.

So there you have it my friends, Dave Brubeck's unintentional 'Take 6' as imagined by yours truly and which could otherwise be known as the relationship between love and hate in a musical nutshell. Hope you got something out of it because I sure did. ;)

Namasme.

Unicorn Woman

This is an ode dedicated to all the women who inspire me daily with their strength, compassion, humor, intelligence, femininity, and grace. You are proof that miracles do exist and the world is lucky to have you. You know who you are and I hope you know I love you.

--

A unicorn woman chooses. A unicorn woman chooses to be both unapologetic master and bright-eyed apprentice because in her abundant universe the understanding is that they’re one and the same. She chooses her journey and learns to find beauty everywhere—particularly in her struggles. Happiness is a choice and she chooses it courageously.

A unicorn woman serves. A unicorn woman serves others because to her, a life of integrity is a life lived with the understanding that she was born with gifts that don’t belong to her. She serves because while others cultivate the external and aspire to artificial thrones built through conspicuous consumption, a true queen understands that the real meaning of nobility lies in the luxury of service. She serves because she loves. To her there is no other way.

A unicorn woman celebrates. A unicorn woman celebrates herself and other women because she recognizes the power inside of her being and realizes that there's no better ally in a time of need than a healthy dose of sisterhood. She celebrates the strength she finds in vulnerability because it makes her grow. She celebrates because she is thankful.

A unicorn woman inspires. A unicorn woman inspires because she is the mirror for others to see the good in themselves they thought was long forgotten. She inspires because she owns her ‘good’ and understands that the ‘bad’ and ‘ugly’ are simply works in progress and a matter of perspective. She inspires because she aspires to be better without judgment of herself or others.

A unicorn woman sees. A unicorn woman sees that she is beautiful. She sees the laughter in her wrinkles, the experience in her scars and is more defined by the movement of her hips as she dances to the rhythm of her favorite song than by the fullness of her breasts or the circumference of her thighs. Her beauty transcends her being because her beauty is felt, not seen.

A unicorn woman is magic. She chooses happiness, serves because she loves, celebrates because she is thankful, inspires as she aspires, and sees that she is perfect. Just the way she is.

*If this resonated with you and we don't know each other I'd love to meet you!

You are wonderful. Thank you for existing.

Namasme.

Don't Let Anyone 'Should' On You

The last week alone I've heard several clients and friends say things like:

'I should be making more money.' 'I should be settled down.' 'I should have a corporate job.' 'I should be skinnier.' 'I should be happy in my relationship.'

Well amigos, because of this and after some reflection, today I would like to declare war on the word ‘should’. Sounds ridiculous, I know. But I really do hate ‘should’ with a passion. Why? Simply because it is the culprit behind 90% of the unhappiness that I encounter as a coach.

As a society we have become so accustomed to passively accepting what life ‘throws’ at us that we have allowed ourselves to become victims of circumstance and have lost sight of our power as creators of our own reality.  We spend so much time worrying about what we ‘should’ do that we lose track of the things we would actually want to do were we given a choice. Choice. Funny I should write that. We always have a choice, nobody has to give us anything. We tend to forget that too.

We are experts at chasing the job, the relationship, the paycheck, the likes on Facebook, the right jean size, etc. and we easily become disconnected and distracted from the ‘non-shoulds’ that make us truly happy. We spend our whole lives trying to create the life that we think the world expects from us rather than creating the world we actually want to live in...That sucks. 

So Why is Living in the World of ‘Should’ So Bad For Us?

The world of 'should' is a world seen through a lens of scarcity rather than abundance. It's a world where our sense of validation is derived from external factors and not from within… It's a world where our success is measured by our ability to fit perfectly into society’s idea of the perfect box rather than our ability to create our own identity. Basic human needs like self-expression, creativity, and independence are undermined by the carefully crafted media and societal messages that teach us what success is and in turn determine everything we do from what we buy to how we ‘should’ look in order not to feel left out.

I guess feeling like an outsider hurts more than not being able to be yourself.

But why is that so bad? Wanting to fit in isn’t necessarily a terrible thing—we are social animals after all. Wanting a nice car and a big home doesn’t necessarily preclude you from living a fulfilled life. On that same note, isn’t it good to have goals, aspirations? Sure it is!

Where we get into trouble is when we start attaching our identities and sense of self-worth to those material goals or our ability to achieve them. After all, there’s always going to be someone wealthier and better looking, a bigger house, a faster car, and what looks like a more fulfilling relationship (at least on social media). Nothing we ever do or become will ever be good enough because our standard is artificially high and perfection is impossible. But like the good yet insecure souls that we are, we try anyway.

So how to combat this? How to give the world and our superficial society’s construct of the ideal life the finger? We look within. We get to know ourselves and take a moment to identify the difference between what we’ve been systematically fed and what actually resonates with us at our core. We learn to catch ourselves when we’re having thoughts that aren’t aligned with the things we have identified as our truth and we make a choice to change them. We choose to create the change we want to see. We choose to honor and love our imperfect selves. We choose to choose rather than simply accept and channel our energy to those who support us. We learn to love the ‘should(er)s’ from afar because there is only one ‘should’ that is actually valid and it has everything to do with us as individuals.

We 'should' be happy. We 'should' be happy from our souls happy. Easy happy. Authentic happy. Happy for the sake of happy happy. That’s the only thing we ‘should’ ever strive to be because the answer to that mystery lies in the very depths of each and every one of us and can never be found anywhere but within ourselves.

With that in mind, I ask you my dear friend...

"What ‘should’ or could you be doing to find your happy?"

***In my case, I use meditation to connect with my 'should'-free self and encourage you to find whatever works for you. If you're not sure and are curious about meditation, try this guided one by my friend, colleague, and coach extraordinaire Desi. Her voice alone is bound to make you happy!***

Namasme.

Therapy vs. Coaching... What's the Deal?

As a coach the question that I get asked most often regarding what I do is how it differs from therapy. While I strongly believe that just about anybody can benefit from both, in an effort to make life easier for coaches everywhere and to appease any fears that working with me implies horizontal couch time, deep psychoanalysis, and a missing PhD, I offer you my two cents on the matter.

The way I understand it, there are two distinct differences between therapy and coaching.

The Focus: Therapy sessions are designed to get to the bottom of why you are the way you are and why you make the decisions that you do by looking for things in your past that have influenced you in a deep and meaningful way. Most people go to therapy because they have things to heal and a deep desire to understand themselves and their past better in hopes that it will help them decipher what do do with their present and future. 

In coaching, the past is acknowledged and validated as the primary source of data points in your present ‘story’ but is never acknowledged as the full picture. I put the word story in quotes because if we look at it from a detached perspective, our past is just that—a compilation of experiences, characters, and plot lines that have determined the way we see and relate to ourselves and the world around us.

What if we were to arbitrarily decide to divorce ourselves from our ‘story’ and start writing one that is more aligned with with what we truly want without the limiting beliefs and judgments from our past? What if understanding that the ‘why’ of the past is less important than the ‘who’ you want to be tomorrow and the development of an actionable plan for ‘how’  and ‘when’ to get there? Therein lies the meat and potatoes of the coaching conversation. 

The second major difference between therapy and coaching lies in the relationship between therapist / coach and client.

The Relationship: The cool part of coaching for me is the partnership component you enjoy as co-creator with your client. Unlike with therapy, where the therapist is clearly regarded as the knowledge authority in the room, coaches don’t give a diagnosis or advice for a client to consider. We are trained to ask the right questions to structure your inner dialogue in a way that serves you and the goals you are trying to accomplish. That’s it. We have no agenda and no answers, you do.

With that said, you may be asking yourself what exactly it is that we accomplish with all that poking around and no advice giving. Well, for starters we help you get aligned with what you feel is your innermost truth. That's a huge breakthrough all on its own in my experience... We then help you change your 'story' to one that allows you to relate to yourself and the world from a standpoint of possibility and empowerment. Once that's done, we put you back in the driver’s seat and hold you accountable for what you say you are going to do to ensure that you get to your desired destination. We support you along the way and once you’ve finally accomplished your goal or reached your target, we let you go and say Namasme. ;)

Deciphering the Breakup With Your New Year's Resolution

Yep. We all know that feeling all too well. That overwhelming feeling of“this is my year” that is so prevalent in early January is long gone and you find yourself feeling lazy, unmotivated, fat, or (insert self-loathing statement here) and It’s not even March yet!

Like most, you come up with your own version of, ‘Is my will power that pathetic?’ or “Am I even capable of making and achieving goals to begin with?” only to arrive to the universal conclusion that there must be something wrong with you. You know, because not following through on things that are clearly good for you just doesn’t make sense. This case definitely feels like a, "it's not you, it's me" scenario.

Well my dear friend, while there may very well be something wrong with you, the good news is that it’s probably unrelated to your inability to follow through on your New Year’s Resolution. Why? Because strategic goal setting and achievement is a learnable skill, not a reflection of who you are as a human being. So relax. You’re not a failure. As a matter of fact, most goals that remain unachieved do so because of one or a combination of the following 4 factors:

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS*: We set goals because we like the feeling of achievement. Nothing can kill our goal achievement modjo more than setting unrealistic goals for ourselves. The key to setting realistic goals lies in a truthful examination of what you want to achieve and whether you have the tools to execute and are in the position to do so. Was your new year’s resolution to go on a three week European vacation over the summer when you’re $10k in debt, job hopping, and having a hard time paying your bills? Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate.

Perhaps your goals are reasonable but you're trying to tackle too many at the same time. Sure, losing weight, finding the right partner, cultivating your spirituality, and learning guitar are all doable under pretty much any circumstances but can you successfully do them all simultaneously? Long term achievement requires enough time for you to gain some traction and teach your brain a new way of doing things. Achievement also requires focus. This brings us to factor #2.

LACK OF CLARITY: When you formulate a goal it’s vital that you make your result as specific as possible because it will help you develop an actionable game plan to achieve it. Saying something like “I want to get in shape by summer” is too vague because it provides no measurable outcome or clear road map for you to follow.  A better goal? “I want to work out 4 days a week for the next 4 months.” While the end result is the same, (you will be in better shape), focusing your intentions on what you actually have to do every day to achieve it will help you stay on track and eventually determine whether you succeeded or not.

NO/ BAD PLAN: While embracing clarity is key to the creation of a solid resolution or goal, having a plan is the only thing that will ensure it actually works. Using our gym example above, you could easily say that you will work out 4 days a week for the next 4 months and watch yourself not following through because you didn’t give yourself the time or space for that in your life. Having a plan is the easiest way to set yourself up for success because it forces you to think of all the factors in achieving your goal that can become potential obstacles. For example, having a plan in this scenario would mean: A) putting your workout days on the calendar to see any scheduling conflicts B) Deciding what workouts you would actually do to avoid feeling unmotivated and directionless at the gym C) Figuring out transportation to your gym and D) Finding a good gym buddy to go with you and hold you accountable for achieving your goal.

LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY: Speaking of accountability, most of us make resolutions in an informal way and hold ourselves responsible for making them happen. At the end of the day, we have nothing to lose because we're only 'failing' ourselves! Interestingly enough, what makes accountability so effective is also the reason why people resist it in the first place. As humans we are taught to promise only what we can deliver on so we tend to be weary of what we commit to.

So how can you hold yourself accountable? Telling other people, be it your friends or the world on social media that you are committed to something means your word is on the line. If that’s worth anything to you, it’s worth protecting and therefore following through on. Plus, you also get to celebrate your achievement publicly if you achieve your goal!

Now that we’ve discussed the 4 areas where resolutions can either thrive or nosedive, I would like to re-vamp and share with you my own new New Year’s resolution in the spirit of goal setting with serious accountability:

You see, I am intent on reviving my romance with the French language. I started taking courses in mid January and have progressed but not to the level that I had anticipated for myself because other than class time and homework time, very little of my energy is spent on practicing French. Looks like 2 days a week isn't enough for me to be fluent by Burning Man (my vaguely defined goal), so back to the drawing board I go and present you this:

I, Jenniffer Green, will practice my French using Duolingo for 20 minutes every weekday morning as soon as I finish meditating, for the next 6 months.

I have picked a friend to hold me accountable during this process, put it on the calendar, shared it with you so you can shame me into doing it, and am ready to go. Now before you wish me luck though, get crackin on yours! ;)

*As a coach I felt a bit strange writing the words 'unrealistic expectations' because I operate largely under the premise that just about everything is possible. To be clear though, effecting serious change requires strong will, work, and a good understanding of where you stand.

The 10 Commandments of Effective Bitching

Bitching. We all do it. We’re human…It happens. As a coach, I’ve come to appreciate that there is a huge difference between bitching and effective bitching. While I deal with a fair amount of both, I am definitely a fan of the latter for the simple reason that it makes life easier in the long run. In order to understand why, it is important to understand what it means to bitch effectively… So without further ado I present to you the 10 Commandments of Effective Bitching:

1. PICK WISELY WHO YOU’RE GOING TO BITCH TO: First things first. It is absolutely crucial that you’re aware of who will have the joy of listening to your emotional tirade. Pick someone whose opinions you respect and who will be able to give you good advice. Ask yourself: Is this person mentally, emotionally, and psychologically equipped to hear not just what I’m saying but everything I’m not? Effective bitching isn’t just about getting relief, it’s also about getting resolution and moving forward. Pick a good teammate!                                                                         
2. PICK WISELY WHO YOU’RE GOING TO BITCH TO: (Seriously) If you’re one of those people who is capable of bitching and forgiving and forgetting, don’t vent to a person who is particularly good at holding a grudge. Telling your mom that your bff Christy stole your boyfriend in fifth grade and wondering why she hates her to this day? Maybe you picked the wrong person to talk to!                                                                                                         
3. PICK WISELY WHO YOU’RE GOING TO BITCH TO: (Point made I hope?) The last thing that you have to consider when picking the right person or people to vent to is what they will do with the information. Chances are if they shared with you private information about another friend, not much is going to stand in the way of them doing the same with your stuff. Make sure you’re comfortable with that. If you’re not, talking to yourself is always an option!                                                                                                                                              
4. CREATE THE TIME AND SPACE TO BITCH PROPERLY. It is important to get it all out in one go (more on that in point #8) so pick a place and time where you can fully express yourself without holding back. On the phone in the metro? Probably not. Not only can you not really say what’s on your mind (unless you really don’t care), it’s rude to subject innocent bystanders to your anger and negativity in public spaces.                                                          
5. GIVE YOUR AUDIENCE FAIR WARNING. Nobody likes an inconsiderate bitcher. Ask permission, pick a time that is good for you AND for the person privy to your complaining. Nobody wants to go to the basketball game with the expectation of a hot dog, beer, and a good time to be later surprised by Debbie Downer and her boss that just won’t listen.                                                                                                                                              
6. REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE SITUATION IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE. Ask, if I were forced to look at this a different way, what would that be? Considering the different angles of a situation, particularly a problem (as ridiculous as they may seem), enables us to step away from our personal biases and can oftentimes provide opportunities to find common ground.                                                                                                                                          
7. ONCE IT’S OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM DON’T HARP ON IT. From an energetic perspective, it’s best to bitch once, bitch well, and get it over with in one go so make sure you have enough time and are in the right environment to do so. Why? Negative feelings have a tendency to stay with us longer than positive ones do (Proof here!). If you keep re-hashing how you’ve been wronged over and over again because you didn’t get it out properly in one go, you will extend the misery associated with the situation you felt compelled to vent about in the first place. So bitch freely, bitch magnificently. But bitch once.                                                                                                                                                
8. BE OPEN TO HONEST FEEDBACK. A truly epic bitching session not only offers you relief, it offers you possibility. Feeling the need to vent is usually an indicator that you are personally invested in a particular outcome or had expectations that weren’t fulfilled. In other words… “you’re too close” to the issue to be truly objective. Unfiltered feedback from a friend may just be what you need to regain a little perspective. Embrace it!                                                                                                         
9. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Remember, what you say is what is in your heart, what others hear is reflective of what is in theirs. This applies to whatever prompted you to bitch in the first place and the feedback you’ll receive from your friends or family.                                                       
10. TRY TO FIND THE LESSONS IN YOUR STRUGGLES. Every single experience we live is a blessing. Chances are if you’re complaining about it, there’s something that needs to be worked out and therefore learned from. Learn to appreciate your struggles as purveyors of wisdom and maybe, just maybe they won’t be a reason to bitch about! ;)